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July 13, 2009

And now for something completely maudlin...

Because if it wasn't maudlin, then it might be something completely different.

Today is the two-year anniversary of my father's death.  That still doesn't seem real.  Not that it's been two years, that I will never see him again.  That he is gone from our lives.

He isn't really, he's kind of omnipresent, but intangibly so.  Smaller Boy will at odd intervals (seemingly as non-sequitur) say something like, "Your father died."  Yes, he did.

I love him for that, but it hurts.  It just means that he is processing in his own way, much as I am in mine.  He is remembering in his own way, much as I remember in mine.  If the emotional gravity is there (as it is for me), he hides it extremely well.  That is why it hurts; I don't know what his grandpa will really mean to him.

Hell, I'm still figuring out what my father really means to me.

It's weird.  I've had dreams of my step-father for years, well before he died and still going over nine years since that transition.  I guess that in its way explains why I don't dream of my father, I didn't really while he was alive, either.  This does not stop it from bothering me that I dream more of my long(-er) dead step-father than I do about my (more-) recently-dead father.  I think that's two-pronged:  For one, why should the other guy get so much more face time?  For the other, don't I have unresolved issues with both men?  I mean ... they should be resolved with both of 'em, I get who they were and why they did whatever they did, so in either context they should both get something like equal time.

Actually, the unresolved issues I have with my father seem mainly to be paperwork.  I tried to form a new business to carry on his store and failed miserably, and am left with debt and paperwork I do not want to deal with.

This isn't maudlin, it's mundane.  I'm not sure where I was headed when I started, I think somewhere like it's been two years and his absence was the elephant in the room today, at least for me.  I'm sure I intended to mention things I've inherited, like large quantities of substances which are legal with prescription yet they're not prescribed for me.  Large quantities of music I haven't listened to or cataloged.  Tons of photos unperused and unshared.  It's like the unfinished business business, I can always find another way to procrastinate away from dealing with it.

Mainly I couldn't stand looking at a blank page anymore.  Blog had become yet another thing unfinished, untouched, flitted away from.  I'm alight here for a day, probably be back in six months.  Is that maudlin?
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