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May 01, 2010

Beat It

AKA Sex: A Feasibility Study

 Discovery Health was on the tube last night.  They ran a show on sexual ... maladies?  They had a sex addict, a PGAD sufferer, a semen allergy and a sexsomniac and in one of the segments they cited a figure claiming the average person has sex 60 times a year.

 In college, I once had sex 30 times in 8 days.

 Lately, though, I have been having sex way below average (and possibly below-average sex, but let's not get ahead of ourselves).

I'm not going to go into loving detail.  The issue is simple: I'm married.

That whole "forsaking all others" thing, even though I don't remember what our vows said 10 years after recitation.  The idea is, we're together in all things for better or for worse.

I therefore have very few options.

I could have sex with other people, but that would destroy the marriage, and is something I haven't been inclined to do for the first decade of the marriage, so realistically I couldn't have sex with other people.  Aside from "it's the wrong thing to do" and "it'll cause collateral damage to the kids" and any of the other truths, you also start heading into purely practical matters (once your morals have flown out the window, that is).  Who else do you have sex with?  Where?  On what schedule?  For someone who spends a chunk of time nightly on "what am I going to do tonight?" that is far more trouble than it's worth, even if logistics were the only barrier to entry.

I could have sex with my wife.  That's the obvious answer, isn't it?  Well, if it was, why would I worry about a below-average-frequency sex life?  The facts are simple:

She has neurological issues.  She has physiological issues.  I'm not sure how much they interact or whether there's a distinction.  Simply, though, she has hot flashes and irregular periods, typically otherwise known as perimenopausal symptoms.  Add to those frequent migraine headaches and you have decreased opportunities for sexual activity.  Toss in common pains -- shattered disc in her spine has been repaired but there are lingering issues from that -- and injuries, and there are even fewer opportunities.  Then factor in that she hasn't seriously wanted sex since the younger child was born, half the marriage ago, and you have where we are.

If I want to have sex with my wife, I have to suggest it.  Often I don't, because she's bleeding or achy or woozy or some combination of those.  Other times I don't because she's dealt with a day of kids' neediness and I'd just be another voice in the cacophony.  Really, generally I don't because I'm not in the mood or I can tell she's not in the mood.  When I do suggest, I ... guess I pick a time when I really want to and I think she's game.

After five years, I no longer know what it is to be sexy or desirable.  I assume I'm not.  I can't put it to the test, after all.

If I want sex I might as well have it with myself.  Except I can't do that at work.  Can't do it while the kids are around.  Can't do it while the kids are asleep because I figure that would only make her feel guilty.  Can't do it in the shower because that's a waste of water, especially if I don't finish.  That means IF I wake up horny and IF I am not already running late for work and IF I have a good mental state going OR I can find appropriate enhancers -- porn, you know -- then, while I have the house to myself I can give it a go.  Probably half the time I get bored before I finish.  I assume I'm not sexy.

I could always head to the strip club, but that's $10 just to walk in, and another $10 per dance, for which I'm paying for the illusion that I am desirable.  My money is desirable, I know that, but it's the closest I get to a woman showing interest in me as a sexual creature ... it's not fair to my wife, because she does show interest and willingness, it's just passively.

I don't know what to do.  I think I have sex three times a month.  Tonight wouldn't be one of them, because she's thrown her back out and I don't really feel like it anyway.  Bloated gassy sleepy isn't sexy.

I don't have the sex drive I used to.  I spend too much time wondering if I could get it back, if I should try.  I wonder that because I think the alternative is wondering if I should bother at all, just find a way to kill it off entirely.  Then after two weeks or so I realize that's not feasible either.

What do I do?  How do I do it?


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